Emil and Leon
by Dusty2004
Summary: In which Emil and Leon are fed up of their respective families, Yao is too old for this, Lukas tries to be cool, and Berwald says "mm" a lot. A parody of Romeo and Juliet, with our favourite irritated teens as the title characters.
1. Act 1 Scene 1- Emil needs a hobby

**I'm extremely sorry, I don't know what possessed me to write this.**

 **Basically a really bad parody of Romeo and Juliet, starring Hong-Kong (Leon) and Iceland (Emil) as the title characters. pairings: IceHong, NorFem!Den, and Minor RusBela and IceFin.**

 **Warnings: extreme OOC-ness, butchering of Shakespeare, and major character death (duh).**

 **I don't own Hetalia and neither am I Shakespeare. I know, It's disappointing.**

* * *

 **ACT I**

 **PROLOGUE**

Two families, both alike in dignity,  
In fair Europa, where we lay our scene,  
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.  
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes  
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;  
Whose misadventure piteous overthrows  
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.  
The fearful passage of their death-marked love,  
And the continuance of their parents' rage,  
Which, but their children's end, naught could remove,  
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;  
The which if you with patient ears attend,  
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Basically, it's a sad story. Get tissues ready.

 **SCENE I. Europa. A public place.**

 _Enter IM-JONG and ARTHIT, of the house of Asia, armed with swords and guns_

 **IM-JONG**

And then, she came up to me and said- what are you, a common servant? And I replied, NO, I'M ASIAN. Haha, get it? Like- cause we're obviously the best? Awesomeness was invented in Asia, after all.

 **ARTHIT**

More like perfected in Asia.

 **IM-JONG**

Perfect what you like, dude. I'm just getting started. Soon this whole city will bow to US!

 **ARTHIT**

mmm. Have fun staying alive long enough.

 **IM-YONG**

Alive? Pfff, I'll kill anyone who tries to touch us.

 **ARTHIT**

But you're a slow reactor.

 **IM-YONG**

Not when I'm being threatened by a stupid Scandinavian.

 **ARTHIT**

Those bastards are sneaky. When they jump on you, yeah, then you'll fight. But if you were to see one now? You'd run, like the little boy I grew up with.

 **IM-YONG**

Scandinavians are worth fighting! If I see a man or woman of their stupid family, I'll show them why swords were invented in Korea!

 **ARTHIT**

I really don't think they were, but still, taunting them? Coward.

 **IM YONG**

True, I guess. Then I'll taunt the women, and fight the men. You'll help me right?

 **ARTHIT**

'Course. I'd do anything to help master Yao.

 **IM-YONG**

Precisely. We'll show the old man that we're the best in the family, show him a pile of corpses and a bunch of pretty girls.

 **ARTHIT**

Pretty girls? For Yao?

 **IM-YONG**

Yep. Although, I'll have a look at them first. _Waggles eyebrows suggestively_

 **ARTHIT**

You damn pervert. And don't tell me girls were invented in Korea, there's no excuse for being such a shameless flirt.

 **IM-YONG**

No excuse for being stunningly HANDSOME, I think you mean. Heh- every girl in the city knows me.

 **ARTHIT**

Yes, as a stupid idiot who thinks he's desirable. Now shut up about girls- there's two Europeans coming. They work for the Scandinavians.

 **IM-YONG**

Aha- see, I've already got my sword ready. What about you? You gonna be my back up?

 **ARTHIT**

Yeah, I'll cover your back as you turn and run, more like.

 **IM-YONG**

Hah- I see through that gaze. You're scared of me embarrassing you?! Well you're right, embarrassment was invented in-

 **ARTHIT**

In Korea, I know. I'm not scared of you.

 **IM-YONG**

Sure. Anyway- let's not start the fight- let them start it so they get punished.

 **ARTHIT**

Hey, you actually said something smart. Sure. I'll laugh at them as they go by and let them interpret it how they want to.

 **IM-YONG**

That won't work, silly. We have to openly insult them. Flip them off as they pass the stall there. That'll rile them up!

 _Enter GILBERT and RODERICH_

 **RODERICH**

 _Offended gasp_

Are they insulting US?

 **IM-YONG**

Well we aren't insulting ourselves, that's for sure.

 **RODERICH**

Yes but are you insulting US?

 **IM-YONG**

[Aside to ARTHIT] Am I allowed to say yes?

 **ARTHIT**

No.

 **IM-YONG**

That's stupid. Anyway, NO, I'm not insulting you.

 **ARTHIT**

Are you trying to pick a fight, European?

 **RODERICH**

A fight? Hmpf. As If I would do something so barbaric.

 **IM-YONG**

Well I for one wouldn't argue. _ARTHIT smacks him_

 **RODERICH**

Hmpf. You're no better than this idiot. Gilbert! Pay attention- Where's he gone?

 **ARTHIT**

 _Smirks_

looks like you're on your own then.

 **IM-YONG**

Shut up- one of his masters is coming. We don't want to get in trouble for starting a fight, do we?

 **ARTHIT**

I don't really care anymore. Let's fight.

 **GILBERT**

A fight?

 **IM-YONG**

Yes, if you're real guys. Get your swords out and remember your promise, Arthit.

 _They fight_

 _Enter BERWALD_

 **BERWALD**

Not again- stop fighting, y'idiots!

 _Beats down their swords_

 _Enter KIKU_

 **KIKU**

What's this? A noble-born Scandinavian fighting among common servants? Tch tch, and here I though your house had honour, if nothing else. Turn around, Berwald, face me while I kill you.

 **BERWALD**

What?! I'm just trying t' keep the peace! Put away y'r sword, or otherwise help me break up this fight.

 **KIKU**

What? Are you honestly lecturing me about peace? Sorry to inform you that I HATE peace, just like I hate all Scandinavians, and YOU!

Face me, you coward.

 _They fight_

 _Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Citizens, with clubs_

 **First Citizen**

OMG! Liet?! What the hell is going on here? We should totally join in! Down with the… um… who's losing?

 _Enter YAO in his gown, and MEI MEI_

 **YAO**

AIYAH! Kids these days, always disturbing my sleep! Get me my sword, aru!

 **MEI MEI**

You're an old man! You need a doctor, not a sword!

 **YAO**

Stupid Scandinavians with their stupid brawls! They need to be taught a lesson! Get me my sword, Mei Mei!

 _Enter LUKAS and MATHILDE_

 **LUKAS**

Asians! Disturbing the peace again I see! … Mathilde? let my arm go please.

 **MATHILDE**

You aren't going anywhere if you might get hurt!

 _Enter LUDWIG, with Minions_

 **LUDWIG**

EVERYONE SHUT UP!

 _The fighting stops_

Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,  
Profaners of this neighbour-stained steel,-  
Will they not hear? What, ho! you men, you beasts,  
That quench the fire of your pernicious rage  
With purple fountains issuing from your veins,  
On pain of torture, from those bloody hands  
Throw your mistempered weapons to the ground,  
And hear the sentence of your moved prince.  
Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word,  
By thee, old Asian, and Scandinavian,  
Have thrice disturbed the quiet of our streets,  
And made Europa's ancient citizens  
Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments,  
To wield old partisans, in hands as old,  
Cankered with peace, to part your cankered hate:  
If ever you disturb our streets again,  
Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.  
For this time, all the rest depart away:  
You Asian; shall go along with me:  
And, Scandinavian, come you this afternoon,  
To know our further pleasure in this case,  
To old Free-town, our common judgment-place.  
Once more, on pain of death, all men depart.

 _Blank stares_

GET OUT BEFORE I ARREST YOU ALL

 _Exit all but LUKAS, MATHILDE, and BERWALD_

 **LUKAS**

Okay, Berwald, explain. Who started it this time?

 **BERWALD**

I'm not sure, sir, I was going to the woodsman's stall when I saw our servants fighting some of th' Asians. I tried t' break it up but then Kiku Honda, of th' Asian family, appeared and tried t' kill me so I got a little carried away… sorry sir.

 **MATHILDE**

Speaking of getting carried away, have you seen Emil around anywhere lately? I'm glad he wasn't involved in this fight, but I do worry about him.

 **BERWALD**

I was… out walking this morning t' clear my head and I took the route to the graveyard t' visit my parents' grave. Emil was there, on the forest path, looking really depressed. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him so I let him be, but I have seen him there in th' early morning before.

 **LUKAS**

You're not the only one. The citizens who live near the forest path have complained to me a few times that his sobbing has disturbed them…

I understand that he's a hormonal teenager but this is getting out of hand. He stays up all night and then goes out walking, before building a pillow fort ad hiding for the rest of the day.

 **BERWALD**

….do y'have any idea why?

 **LUKAS**

Nope. He's just very strange.

 **BERWALD**

Have you tried… asking him?

 **LUKAS**

Of course I have, Nephew.

 _He frowns_

But his mother and I can't seem to work out what on earth is going on...

Why don't you try? You're his cousin, and closer his age, he might listen to you. Oh- here he comes now. Little brother!

 _Enter EMIL_

 **BERWALD**

Sir, I really don't think addressing your son as your brother will help his trust issues… I'll talk t' him.

 **LUKAS**

Very good, Berwald. You do that, and Mathilde and I will grab a bite to eat. How does fish sound?

 _Exit LUKAS and MATHILDE_

 **BERWALD**

G'morning

 **EMIL**

Seriously? It's still morning?

 **BERWALD**

Mm. just nine-o clock.

 **EMIL**

Ugh. Why is everyone so obnoxiously happy in the mornings? And speaking of Obnoxious, was that dad who just left?

 **BERWALD**

Mm. Why don't y' try being happy too?

 **EMIL**

You're one to talk, Ber. And besides, I'm sulking, see?

 **BERWALD**

I see. Why?

 **EMIL**

Because You never smile! What are you, fifteen? You should be out drinking and partying with girls, not always looking like your dog died!

 **BERWALD**

No- why are you sulking?

 **EMIL**

Oh. Well you see… there's this girl….

 **BERWALD**

Mm.

 **EMIL**

Don't you 'mm' me, Berwald Oxenstierna. You, being the annoying goody-two shoes you are, have never been in love, and thus, you have no right to judge. Wait until you see her, wait until you meet the love of your life and have to spend hours of the day away from her, without her soft hands ever having touched your skin… it's like a fire within me… like the volcanoes my homeland is so famous for, and where- if I'm denied much longer, my heart will lie, entombed in fiery lava for all eterni- are you laughing at me?

 **BERWALD**

 _Chuckles_

Don't y' think you're overreacting a bit?

 **EMIL**

Overreact- what? I- see here young man-

 **BERWALD**

Don't call me that, you're only three years older.

 **EMIL**

That's enough to be able to tell you what to do! Now, oh wait- gotta check Tumblr-

 **BERWALD**

Emil… not right now….

 **EMIL**

But what if she's posted something in the two minutes I've been away?

 **BERWALD**

Fine, but at least tell me who she is 'f you're gonna sulk about her.

 **EMIL**

You want to use this as an excuse to interrogate me?

 _Clutches phone possessively_

 **BERWALD**

No interrogations. Just tell me? Please?

 **EMIL**

She's this girl…

 **BERWALD**

Mm. You don't say.

 **EMIL**

Don't be sarcastic Ber, goodness knows this family has enough of that already. Anyway, she's this girl, and her name is Tina…

 **BERWALD**

Mm.

 **EMIL**

I've only seen her once, but she liked my Facebook page so we must have some chemistry right?

 **BERWALD**

Mm.

 **EMIL**

And then I looked up her Tumblr, blog, y'know, out of curiosity.. and she's so beautiful, Ber, you wouldn't believe it! I spent a whole night just staring at the pictures… I mean… and the funny things that she reblogged from like, Instagram and Twitter. Luckily there weren't so many ones from snapchat because, ew, who even uses that anymore?

 **BERWALD**

Mm.

 **EMIL**

Anyway, so then I tried asking her friends on Facebook but they're like, all Asian- I googled them, and of course they aren't gonna talk to me, because, hello-o, smoking hot Scandinavian here with a really uncool family- except you, you're cool- and so I couldn't ask about like, where she was from but she doesn't look Asian, and there's only really three pictures of her on her blog, she looks like a tomboy, she's got this really nice short hair and she never wears dresses-

 **BERWALD**

Mm.

 **EMIL**

So then I thought, maybe she isn't Asian, so I googled her, but I couldn't find anyone called Tina Vainamoinen online so I tried just her last name, and guess what? Her Cousin is, like, the nanny, of the Asian's eldest daughter! OMG, I did not see that coming… so I checked all her posts for something about Scandinavians, but there was nothing so she either hates us, doesn't give a damn about us, or doesn't know we exist and I really doubt it's the last one because when I was googling Vainamoinen I found out it's a Russian/Finnish name so growing up on that peninsula means she must have heard of us right? But if her aunt's their nanny- well, one of her cousins, the other one is a dress designer in a city near here- maybe we could get you set up with her but I doubt it, because A, you're the gayest guy I know, and B, from what I read she's apparently totally obsessed with this rich guy from her city- okay so maybe I went a bit overboard on the research, but, know your future in laws, right? And-

 **BERWALD**

You really need a hobby.

 _Exit_

* * *

 **Arthit is Thailand. According to my friend it means'sun' and I thought it fitted his cheerful personality.**

 **Please point out any grammar or spelling mistakes If you find any, though please do be nice about it.**

 **Also- because I know people will point this out- I'm fully aware that Iceland Isn't technically Scandinavian, But 'The Nordic family' sounds a bit boring so please suspend your disbelief. Thankyou!**


	2. Act 1 scene 2- Be specific

**And here's chapter two! Much shorter this time, but each chapter is one scene, so they will vary in length.**

* * *

Enter _YAO, IVAN, and Servant_

 **YAO**

…So then he yelled at me and let us go- and I assume the Scandinavian got the same treatment. At least I hope he did- the prince always has seemed to favour the Scandinavians- His son is friends with their two eldest heirs. I hope to change that soon-

 _He sniffs contemptuously and writes a name on a piece of paper._

 **IVAN**

I understand, my comrade, and I'm sure you will. If not- I can be very…. Persuasive.

 **YAO**

No, Ivan, you stay out of this. We don't need a fine young name such as yours tarnished in the fights that are our fault. Anyway, I assume you've come about Leon?

 **IVAN**

However did you guess, sir?

 **YAO**

Well you're smiling creepily and holding sunflowers, which may have been a slight giveaway-

You know my opinion on the matter. Leon is too young to be married- he's eighteen for goodness sake- and a boy- and you plan to make him your… _wife?_ I know men younger than him fall in love and are married every day, but still, I won't promise him to anyone yet.

 _He sighs_

But, if you want, feel free to flirt with him- _don't_ threaten him- but act as you would to one of your cousins- get to know him, talk like friends, and for the love of all that is Asian, get him off that damn mobile phone.

Ahem, there'll be a party tonight- if we can drag him out of his room then you'll see Leon there, and make friends. If he likes you we can broach the subject of courtship, how's that, Aru?

 _To Servant, giving a paper_

Here is a list of guest's names, go and find them, tell them they are invited to a disco at my house tonight.

 **RAIVIS**

But sir- I can't-

 _Exit YAO and IVAN_

...read.

 _The market. Enter BERWALD and EMIL_

 **BERWALD**

Fishing? I've heard it's very calming. Or maybe join a book club? I happen to know one; they're reading a very interesting play about an island.

Or have you considered taking up a sport? Or an art? You're very good at sculpting- maybe that could be your hobby? Or-

 **EMIL**

Ber. Give it a rest. I don't need a hobby.

 **BERWALD**

But-

 **EMIL**

Leave me alone, kid.

 **BERWALD**

Hey. 'm not a kid. Uncle thinks you spend too much time holed up in your room.

 **EMIL**

Lukas also thinks that calling people 'brother' is cool. I don't think he really understands- oh, hi there.

 **RAIVIS**

Hello. I was wondering if you could read.

 **EMIL**

Of course I can. Sometimes I wish I couldn't- If it would spare me from reading blogs that aren't Tina's...

 _BERWALD coughs_

Anyway, yes I can read.

 **RAIVIS**

Can you read anything you see?

 **EMIL**

Dude, no, have you _seen_ Greek? How do people even- and Chinese- blegh.

 **RAIVIS**

You can't read then?

 **EMIL**

What? No-Yes, I can read.

 _Reads_

'Signior Roma and his wife and sons;  
Count Ivan and his beautiful sisters;

The lady Helena; Sir Sadiq Adnan;

Arthur Kirkland and his extended family,

Matthias and his brother Gilbert;

My uncle Winter, his wife and daughters; Tino Vainamoinen; Livia; Signior Antonio, and his cousin Franco.

 _He whistles_

That's all the higher-ups in Europa- what are they invited to?

 **RAIVIS**

A party.

 **EMIL**

What kind of party?

 **RAIVIS**

A party at our house.

 **EMIL**

Whose house?

 **RAIVIS**

My master's.

 **EMIL**

Oh, yes, thanks, very specific.

 **RAIVIS**

Specific? My master is the great Lord Yao, and tonight, at the house of Asia, he is hosting a Disco, to which anyone of any status in Europa is invited, so, he says, If you aren't Scandinavians, please, come along and dance with us! Good afternoon!

 _Exit_

 **BERWALD**

A party! Matthias is invited, we should go with him- your father said anything to get you out of the house!

 **EMIL**

And besides, Tina will be there. Though the stupid Asian spelled her name wrong. Hah.

 **BERWALD**

Maybe if you see her next to some other ladies and men, you'll see that she isn't worth… ahem… stalking on tumblr?

 **EMIL**

 _With fake hurt_

How could you, Ber, I'm disappointed- nobody could be prettier than Tina! But a party with her does sound fun, so go get ready and meet me at my place this evening.

 _Exit_


End file.
